Gracie

                                        This is Gracie. She is a 10 week old Golden Retriever.

After much discussion we decided on a Golden for their reputation as service dogs. We are hoping Gracie will help Professor develop some confidence and help him learn to keep his emotions under control. She is the most placid puppy I've ever encountered. Although she loves to play and run around, she is equally happy laying with Professor while he watches TV.

I've had a wide assortment of pets, and a even a fairly wide assortment of dogs but I've never owned a Golden before. She suits Professor and I really well even if she has added another layer of chaos to the house. She doesn't smell too great right now in spite of a having been bathed. The breeder was an Amish family and the farm life is a scent that tends to cling.

It was an interesting experience, standing in the basement of an Amish house with the breeder's wife and their six (adorable!) children. It is a nice reminder that the simple life is still out there being lived by honest people. I have a tendency to worry over the smallest things so a bit of perspective always does me good.

Puppy Names

I'm working on a list of dog names should we get the puppy I've applied for. The challenges include finding an appropriate geeky name for my geeky kid but one that he can pronounce. I also have a penchant for shortening names so it has to be one that can be comfortably shortened.

To far I've come up with the following list.

Belle/Bella
Nova
Tesla - Tess for short
Astrid - Doctor Who
Inara -Firefly
Kaylee - Firefly
Regan - Firefly
Bailey
Bridget
Keira - Black in Irish
Molly
Zoe
Emma
Solar
Doughnut -Kevin's idea
Kirby - also Kevin's idea
Luna
Sagan - As in Carl Sagan
Maddy - Short for Madigan

Puppy Search 2013!

Professor is the sort of kid who needs a dog. He has endless energy and as an only child no one to play with.  He has loved dogs since the day he was born but has never really had one of his own. He has also been incredibly lonely. When you have ADHD and other behavioral issues the kids in school don't exactly line up to be your friend. Having grown up with a dog I know what it can mean to have one there when you're sad or lonely.

So, after much discussion with my parents, we decided that a boy needs a dog. We've had dogs my entire life so choosing the right breed was something we discussed at great length. Our oldest dog, Casey, is reaching the end of her life. She is happy but you can see it when you look at her. She is tired. We are cherishing the time we have left but we know it is coming soon. Remembering her puppy days does not always bring back the best of memories. She is a Lab/Husky mix, a combination of endless energy and a desire to chew pretty much describes the first 3 years of her life. She is calm now but we weren't looking for another lab.

My sister's dog Moo, a Japanese Chin/ Pekingese mix, is an idiot. She is sweet and wouldn't hurt a fly but she is just not a smart animal. Small dogs bark, A LOT which I can't stand. Professor also needs something a bit more sturdy.

So a medium sized dog that was also smart became the criteria.

My dad is an experienced dog trainer. The pit bull we had growing up out preformed military service dogs on the obedience obstacle course. Although we would love to own another pit bull, they are a stubborn breed that needs a firm hand. Not really the best fit for an ADHD six year old. Eagerness to please soon became an apparent factor so we decided on a "working dog".

That puts me where I am at now, scouring the internet for a border collie, a Australian shepherd, a cattle dog or any variation thereof. It is a much more difficult search than it sounds. It seems herding breed puppies are really hard to find!

Luckily Petfinder.com has a "Pin it" button and I've created a board on Pinterest.

Not a Mommy Blog

OK, so the title is a lie, this post is a mommy blog but I swear, I'll keep it to a minimum elsewhere. Unless, Professor does something spectacularly cute, or smart or generally awesome (which is likely because he is cute, smart and generally awesome). Anyway, to the point. I'm no Susie Homemaker (Although I did once play a character named Suzie, a gold digging, gambling addict with a drinking problem and a criminal record, in an RPG called Fiasco) but I do some cool stuff with Professor on occasion.

A problem I've encountered with Professor is that commercial bubble liquid is incredibly weak and my hyper child has difficulty delicately blowing bubbles so I went back to something I learned in middle school science class. SUPER BUBBLES! In my science class we created bubbles you could stand inside, bubbles you could hold, bubbles strong enough to make it out of the wand of a six year old with a breath like a hurricane.
Here is how:

Ingredients:

• 4 tablespoons Dawn dish soap
• 2 tablespoons Glycerin (or White Karo Syrup) - I prefer Glycerin
• 1 cup Water

Simply mix the ingredients together gently. Letting it sit for a while may help a bit as well. 

Professor was actually able to blow bubbles rather than showering the ground in soap and saliva. He enjoyed it so much that he actually brought them into the living room the next morning and was blowing bubbles in his pajamas. 

The Dead Bird

I am admittedly a bit superstitious. I don't hide under the covers when I encounter a "bad omen" but I do hesitate. This morning I went to my car to leave and directly next to the drivers door was a dead bird. Professor yelled "EWW!" and I hurried him around to the other side to get in.

In and of itself, a dead bird is simply part of nature. Things die and sometimes they die in your yard. It is the placement of the dead bird that gave me an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know it isn't logical. If it were someone else I would have laughed them off but, as I've mentioned before, I am an emotional person and therefore the uneasiness has settled in. 

I'm not terrified but I won't be surprised when it comes and it always comes. 

A Day Out With Murphy

Today I certainly felt Murphy's law at play. It began at 2:30 this morning. Professor woke up crying that his ear hurt. He slept for two hours before waking up again, this time inconsolable. He somehow seemed at ease alone in the living room with cartoons on and was able to get a bit more sleep. I, on the other hand, was unable to get anymore sleep although not for lack of trying. Of course, when it was time to get up this morning Professor felt absolutely fine. I was and still am exhausted.

I somehow managed to get us both ready and out the door on time. The first two hours of work were uneventful for me. I spent the time shredding and watching episodes of a BBC called "Quite Interesting" (which I HIGHLY recommend) on my phone. Suddenly, the lights went out and the shredder stopped. The copier I was sitting next to was on and in working order. It seemed Murphy had a sense of humor today. Only some lights and some computers were out with no real rhyme or reason. Since I could no longer shred, my computer was off and I had absolutely nothing else to do I was instructed to sit at my desk and play on my phone for the remainder of the day since I was the only one available to "hold down the fort". There are certainly worse ways to spend an hour.

I was then running late for Professor's doctor's appointment when Murphy stepped in yet again. I managed to attempt to pick Professor up between Music and the trip back to the classroom meaning it took twice as long as it should have to located him and send him to the office. I think I hit every light on the way to the doctor.  But, in the end we were only two minutes late. The bad news, Professor has an ear infection. The good news, Murphy can suck it. In spite of some serious kerfuffles, I managed to have a decent day.

In other news, Excedrin Migraine is fucking magical. I feel like I've finally broken through the fog. Even tired and feeling a bit run down I feel more like myself than I have in quite a while. It is amazing. Hopefully, soon I will actually be a bit entertaining rather than my usual rambly and long winded.

Three Years

3 years. Three years ago today my friends and I stood around together trying to understand what had happened. We cried and told stories. People held me and even during the darkest day of my life I felt so loved. That evening is forever seared into my mind and my heart. The ones who comforted me will forever hold a special place for me.

Suicide is a tragedy like no other. Someone you love has ended their life for reasons you cannot possibly understand. I understood better than most and that is why, three years later, I can say I'm at peace with what happened. I know the how and the why of what my ex-husband did and I consider myself lucky. By understanding his actions I can help others. I've always been very open about his suicide.

People always treat it as a taboo subject but to me that is why it continues to be such a prevalent issue. By talking about suicide and mental illness we humanize it. By creating an environment where suicide isn't stigmatized those who may need help and we will be more able to help those in need.

I have moments where I think I smell his cologne. When I found out "World War Z", a book he read and loved, was being made into a movie it hurt that I couldn't tell him. There are moments when I'm taken back but they are fleeting and for that I am grateful. If there is anything I can take away from his death, it is to never let an opportunity pass you by. If you love someone, tell them. Take that vacation, spend the money, the experience is worth it. Live life and never lose hope that things will get better.

I feel like I should have more to say about all of this but truthfully, I have moved on. I visit his grave once a year. I answer any questions Professor may have but that isn't very often. I've lived through the suicide of a loved one and come out the other side a stronger person.

5 Steps to Curing Brain Fog

I promised myself when I decide to start blogging that I would do at least one entry a day. The problem is I've been suffering from terrible brain fog for the past few weeks. In my last post I mentioned what a struggle it has been to write but some days are worse than others. The stress of figuring out my financial and college situation has exacerbated the issue today. I'm fairly sure that my very poor diet hasn't helped either.

I'm hoping a few changes will improve my concentration.

1) Diet - I have a tendency to skip meals, especially when stressed. Eating high calorie, healthy meals is the easiest change I can make.

2) Sleep - I've slept better this past week than in previous weeks although it was only a week ago that I went with only an hour of sleep one night. I've minimized my time watching TV in bed. The biggest change was not getting on my phone when I did happen to wake up. While checking Reddit and email certainly distracts me from the anxiety that woke me up the light and stimuli kept me up for hours at a time. My mind is actually starting to get some proper rest and my anxiety isn't creeping in as much as it usually does.

3) B-12 - Taking a B-12 supplement in addition to my usual multi-vitamin has helped in the past with alertness and concentration.

4) Sunshine - In college, I did a research paper on Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and one of the things I learned was how important sunlight is to our bodies. Early morning sunlight can help with depression and regulates body cycles. I'm certainly not going for a walk at 6AM but I will be stepping out onto the front step every morning and basking in a bit of spring.

5) Routine - By forcing myself to write at this moment I'm reinforcing the idea that I can and will continue to write. I'm exercising my brain and stretching my creativity. I'm sure quite a few of my entries will be sub-par and far from useful or interesting. However, as the adages goes, practice makes perfect.

I'm off to ensure #2 on the list is taken care of and maybe tomorrow I will have something far more interesting to say.

College Decision Stress

It certainly doesn't surprise me that Murphy would make this blog more difficult for me. It never fails that when I sit down I am suddenly super distracted or tired or just very unfunny. I'm witty, creative and hilarious when I'm thinking about blog stuff in the car, at the office, when I'm falling asleep but rarely when I sit down and attempt to entertain the masses (ok, the tens of people) who have somehow found my blog.

The thing that has become the biggest distraction and stress in my life is the college decision factor. There are so many things to take into account. There are the logical factors tuition, program, cost of living, etc. Then there are the more emotional issues. How much support do I really need or want with Professor's issues? What sort of experience do I want out of the next two or three years of my life?

I'm an emotional being to my core. I was recently told that it must be my most endearing quality and I hope that's true. It is also my biggest personal challenge. Not every decision can be made on instinct. Things like finances and parenthood force you to step outside of who you are and what you want. If I were not a parent my choice would be easy. I would take the risk. I would runaway and live a new and exciting life in a foreign city. I would speak bad French and maybe finally learn to enjoy wine.

The trouble is, I am a parent. I love my son and only want the best for him. That means putting the reins on my instincts and being logical for a moment. Luckily, in addition to being an emotional person I am also a researcher. I love information. So, I collect data. I make lists, award points and hope that it matches up with what my heart wants. All too often they don't match up and then I take that dream, fold it up and put it on a mental shelf, a pile of could-have-beens.

I'm not the first or last parent who has given up something for their child. The difference is I'm tired of regret and missed opportunities. Professor enriches my life, pulls me through the hard days I would rather spend in bed and continually short changing myself isn't going to make either one of us happy. I don't want him to grow up watching me endure. The two of us have endured enough. I want him to grow up watching me succeed. I want him to see me take the rotten hand life has dealt me and turn it into an opportunity. I don't really know what that means at this point but I do know that I'm going to make a change.

The No-Snow Day

Our snow day was a bust, as usual. Professor has been dying to build a snowman and this was his last chance. Murphy had other ideas for our day. In spite of their continued predictions for snow, the local weather watch on Facebook conceded defeat with this picture:

Credit to the Harford County Weather Watch on Facebook

Not only was the weather a bust but my plans were a bust for the most part as well. While my list from my previous post was acknowledged as impractical, it turned out to be useless as well. The problem is, you see, that when you have children (or child, in my case) making plans is the worst thing you can do. The moment they sense you want things to go a certain way they are on high alert. This increased aggro is a risky business. They could become whiny, rebellious, or even suddenly violently ill. This is through no fault of their own. It is their nature. For Professor, this is even more true. His ADHD makes him highly unpredictable on a good day.

The weather made everyone in my house feel a little off kilter. Professor had a headache. It made him grumpy and weepy. The first time he cried over a difficult puzzle in Harry Potter Years 1-4 I sent him to bed to calm down. The second time he cried (after repeatedly swearing he was calm and collected) my mom brought out his tent. His bear tent filled with stuffed animals and pillows somehow sheltered him from his frustration. Autism Spectrum Disorder can have interesting affects on one's senses. Escaping from the world, even in the middle of a busy living room calmed him down quite a bit. He watched Minecraft tutorials on YouTube, a favorite past-time of his. I was finally able to defeat Aragog, where he had been stuck, while Professor was in the shower. The puzzle was awful. The game tells you how to defeat Aragog, a big spider, with a slightly smaller spider but it still felt like luck when I managed to somehow toss the smaller big spider into Aragog's face. No wonder Professor couldn't figure it out.

We survived the No-Snow day, but barely.

The Impractical Parent's Guide to Snow days

In Maryland, where I live, we often have what is typically referred to as a "Snow day". In reality it is far more likely that these days will be wet, rainy days that is a disappointment to adults and children alike. The moment one of these potential weather disasters is announced Marylanders lose their minds. The ritual of hoarding as much milk, bread and toilet paper as one can find is the first priority of the weather crazed residents. Other items which immediately sell out include sholves, sleds, snowblowers and gasoline as no one has planned ahead for what is a known seasonal event. We have a very similar ritual which takes place during hurricane season.

 The second phase of panic includes obsessively checking the weather and discussing our impending doom at great length. Children wear their pajamas inside out and backwards and the elderly complain about the damp and the dangers of slipping on the ice.

The third phase is what I like to refer to as the "preemptive strike". The hours or even the day before the storm is supposed to hit schools are closed. The plows are stationed along the roads like hungry beasts ready to gobble up the first snowflake before it can even touch the ground. The most notable characteristic of this phase is loss of driving skills. Was that a rain drop?! **BRAKE!** Was that a snowflake?! Better drive 30 miles under the speed limit (In the fast lane, of course.) At this point true panic has set in. Our impending doom is looming. We will be cold, bored and miserable soon and we have accepted it.

The snow has not arrived yet so my son and I are currently enjoying Phase 3, a day spent trapped in the house together with nothing to do. Now, the Professor is not a typical kid. He doesn't enjoy coloring or silly craft projects. Pinterest has tons of great ideas for the Suzie Homemakers of the world but I am not one of them. (Although, admittedly that hasn't stopped me from pinning the hell out of stuff.) So here is my list of activities we will be enjoying today:

Video Games - He's quiet, ok only sort of. He really enjoys cheering himself on but for the most part he is entertained and out of my hair for a few minutes. As a gamer myself, snow days exist for beating high scores and finally killing that boss. I plan on spending some time playing video games myself today since I was recently gifted a copy of "Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning".

Board Games - My kid is a skilled strategist so we will indulge in some Catan Jr. and possibly a game of checkers. It is a bit of a brain exercise and only requires up to 45 minutes of my time to have a solid bonding experience.

Junk Food - While I encourage a healthy diet as any responsible parent would, there is nothing like bonding over a bowl of popcorn and peanut M&M's while cuddled up on the couch together on a cold day.

Dance Party - So I've allowed him to stuff himself full of candy like any good mother and he is bouncing off the walls (more than usual). Fortunately, the Professor has some killer dance moves. I can pop on some techno and he will dance himself tired in 10 minutes flat.

Play Outside - Once phase 4 truly starts you can bet I will have him bundled up and out the door before he even realizes it is snowing. He won't stay out there long before he is cold, wet and bored but when he comes in he will be a subdued, happy child.

Science Documentary - For my tired science geek. I refer to my son as Professor for a reason. He loves science. He recently won the "Superb Scientist" Award in school. The Science Channel has a series of documentaries called "How the Universe Works". Professor loves these shows and learns quite a bit from them so they will round out snow day.

The Snow hasn't started yet and probably won't for a few more hours but the Professor and I will enjoy our snow day all the same.

Onwards and Upwards

I've always been terrible at letting go, especially in relationships. I've finally come to a point where, rather than strangling the relationship and letting things end in animosity, I am going to truly let go. It doesn't matter how much you love someone and how much you both want to be friends, sometimes real space is needed to move forward. I'm lucky to have met my most recent ex. He is a truly amazing guy. It hurts terribly that things didn't work out but nothing I do will change that. Things that are meant to be will be and if they don't turn out they way I want then, I just have to accept it and move forward.

I'm still looking at colleges. Concordia University in Montreal is on my list but is looking less reasonable than other, less attractive options. The limiting factors of having a special needs child when considering a move has compounded the stress and the difficulty. I have, however, come up with a strategy. I have a list of factors that I want to take into account, each school gets awarded points (out of 10) in each category. Removing the emotional side of the decision is the only way I can assure myself that I am making the right decision. My spur of the moment decision would be Montreal. I would go in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, as a parent, I cannot simply pick up and move to another country, doubly so with a special needs child.

Here is my list of deciding factors:

Tuition - Obvious. Hopefully under 20,000 a year.
Cost of Living (after tuition) - Under 30,000 a year preferably
Financial Aid - Amount awarded, especially important since grants are not available in Canada
Cultural Experience - Who wants to go someplace boring?
Program Interest - A no-duh.
Support System - I can't move if I don't know anyone there in case there is an emergency with my son.
Benefits for my son "The Professor" - Types of Schools, Learning opportunities, etc.
Bullshit Involved - Visa's, transfers, acceptance rate, etc.
Post College Benefit - How much will this help my career?
Murdered by Parents - How much arguing with there be with my parents? Montreal loses big points here.
Misc  - Self explanatory.

Once I am closer to making a decision and further away from the unstable emotional state that I am currently in, I will post my colleges and the points they were awarded. I shouldn't really be allowed to make lists. I always seem to make them an excuse to make silly comments (see "Murdered by Parents" on deciding factors list).

Back to School...but where?

I have recently been thinking about my need to go back to school to complete my degree. I have not really considered where I would like to attend school but I have had an interesting suggestion, Montreal. My best friend has attended college in Montreal for a few years now and she offered up the suggestion after I made an off hand comment about moving there (several people I know have moved there recently). It caught me by surprised when she suggested that I take my son and relocate to Canada. Nikki has always been my voice of reason and voices of reason usually don't suggest you pick up and move to another country. They especially don't when you told them earlier in that same conversation that your ex is moving to that same city.

I'm not one to ignore big, glaring signs and this was a sign to, at the very least, consider it. The biggest thing holding me back in this venture is finances. American financial aid will only cover so much. Even if I decide to stay in the lower 48, the far more practical decision, I will still need to take at least year off from work to complete the last leg of my degree. Unfortunately, this is not only an enormous expense but one that I would need the semester's worth of up front.

Of course, saving the money I'm currently making is the first step but will only cover a book or one credit of tuition. I simply don't have enough income. The next place to look is student loans, which I already have. The problem is there is a maximum amount on student loans. Besides, drowning in debt for a history degree is not the smartest course. Scholarships are on my to do list. I am hoping I can find some that I qualify for and they make a dent in my overall cost. It will have to wait until I have decided when and where this will all happen.

I haven't decided if Montreal is the place for me but it is on the list. It is a beautiful city I've been told, I speak conversation French and where better for a kid to gain a different world perspective and learn another language than another country. I'll be researching some other, more reasonable choices as well. I'll just have to see how this plays out.