Sunday, March 2, 2014

The Questions Left Unanswered

A friend of the family died recently, a wonderful young man who had struggled for quite a long time. At 22 years old, he took his own life. This isn't the first time suicide has intruded on my life. My ex-husband died when he was 23. It will be 4 years in two weeks. No matter how well I've dealt with it, the wound has been freshly rent, growing wider with this new grief. It  made me surprisingly angry at first. Why has this terrible tragedy come back into my life? Why should such a kind and loving family suffer?

For most people the question will be "Why?", "Why would a young person do this to themselves?". I have the unfortunate advantage of not asking myself that question. I understand completely. The human capacity to love is infinite, but our ability to endure pain cannot always compare. No amount of love or understanding can stop the torment that comes from within. My heart breaks for every person who suffers, who is tortured by their own brain chemistry. It takes too many people in their prime.

Most people don't want to talk about the "How?" of things either. They don't want to confront the end. For others, it offers a sense of reality. If you know how, you can know it is real, know that this isn't some cruel joke or a bad dream. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to know and there is nothing wrong with seeking the truth. The most important thing is to grieve and to be there for those around you.

The real question is "How do I move on? Where do I go from here?" With purpose is the answer. It takes an indescribable amount of strength, but with each new day, with each step, you move forward. It can motivate you to be a force for good in the world, to seek God, to better yourself. Find purpose in loving your family, in loving yourself.

Karl wanted people to celebrate life. It was the gift and the purpose he left to his friends and family. The young man we just lost would want us to seek faith and to be kind to each other. For me, I have been motivated to reach out at times and to always be open about what I have experienced. The most productive I can be now is to do just what I'm doing, sharing.

If you need help, don't hesitate to reach out to those around you. If you know me, give me a call. I'm always here. If you don't, please talk to someone. Reaching out is the first step. There are so many people out there willing to share your burden.

If you don't feel you can talk to friends or family, here is a great list of resources all over the country: http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html

Reddit offers a place to talk online at http://www.reddit.com/r/suicidewatch