Unrealistic Expectations for First Graders

"How can we harm our environment? Use evidence from 'The Lorax 'and 'The Wump World' to support your answer."

No this isn't a prompt for my Environmental History class. This is Professors's school work. Why in the world would you ask this of kids still learning to read and write in sentences? I'd need at least 5 pages to answer this question properly. No wonder Professor shuts down in school. He is either bored out of his mind or struggling to keep up. Not to mention he has dsygraphia and gets extremely discouraged two words into a sentence so much so that he loses sight of what he is supposed to be writing about. The audacity of putting a failing grade on this just kills me. What is the point? Why hurt a child's self-esteem when there is a learning disorder that needs to be addressed and you've just set him up for failure? I am so glad that he will be changing schools in January.

Murphy's Pre-Thanksgiving Visit to the Wilson Household

So far this morning I have:

Turned off my alarm in my sleep causing me to oversleep by half an hour.

Missed shampoo in my hair and had to turn the shower back on.

Tripped over my 80lb dog at least 20 times because she WON'T STOP FOLLOWING ME!

Professor couldn't find his shoes (mostly because he was staring at the TV instead of actually looking).

Professor's seat belt managed to do that thing where it was both locked and twisted too much to feed it back in.

He then freaked out about it.

The house smells bad.

I took the trash out (cause of the aforementioned stinkyness) and managed to get the bag stuck on the dog gate, tearing it and getting cat litter in the living room.

I took the trash can lid off and it landed in a huge puddle.


I have only been awake for 75 minutes! I have resorted to closing the dog out of my room and hoping Murphy forgets I'm here. What a terrible houseguest.

The Twilight Zone of Parenting

Some days I honestly feel like I'm living in some sort of bizarre twilight zone story when it comes to Professor. Sometimes I think I would be at a loss of how to interact with a typical kid. Before bed this evening Professor and I discussed the concept of multiverses. I used the example of Shrodinger's cat to explain the moment when there would be an obvious split under the multiverse theory (i.e. the moment of observation). Not only was this something Professor was familiar with but it helped him better understand the concept. Shrodinger's cat and time-space theories are the bread and butter of my daily life. I know that Professor isn't the first or only bright kid but it is hard to argue that he isn't something special. I'll admit that I revel in the strangeness of it all, that is when I'm not having a panic attack over it.

It is a wonderful and strange thing to talk with a child genius especially on a daily basis. It certainly skews my view of the world. I see science everywhere. I'm constantly learning new things and I'm always teaching. Today is was multiverse theory and constellations. Yesterday it was multiplication. Tomorrow it will be chemistry.

Murphy and I travel to Montreal

Apparently international travel is much simpler than domestic flights. I had absolutely no line at security. The TSA employee seemed to have forgotten why he was standing there before he remembered his responsibility to systematically violate my rights. Not only was security incredibly simple but it took me longer to put my shoes back on than it did to walk to my gate. Airports truly are the worst case of “hurry up and wait” that one can experience, except for maybe the ER. Nothing like feeling like you’re dying and being told someone else is dying just a bit more quickly than you so you’ll have to wait your turn – but I digress. All in all, the beginnings of my first foray into international travel have been stress free.  I did manage to embarrass myself by noticeably eaves dropping on a cute little old couple quietly speaking French to each other. The older man noticed and came over and talked to me since I was so obviously curious. He was kind and well-meaning but I kept my eyes firmly on my laptop screen throughout the rest of my wait. Nothing like a bit of embarrassment to round out your day.

I’m probably more excited than I should be about this but MY PLANE HAS PROPELLERS! I know, I’m a child but come on. It is cool. Of course there is a part of me, the part that is scared of things like death and that monster that lives in the basement that finds a propeller plane frightening. No one wants to fall out of the sky. Okay, maybe some people do but those people are crazy and usually have parachutes. I am not crazy nor do I have a parachute so I will stay firmly in the not-falling-out of-the-sky camp.

I don’t have a single plan for when I get there. I’m not even 100% sure how I’m getting from the airport to Nikki’s and frankly, I’m terrible excited about that. I’ve craved adventure and there is nothing like navigating public transit in a city where they don’t speak your native language. I rather look forward to putting my French skills to the test. I’ve never used it in a practical situation so we’ll see how that goes. I’ll either make a complete fool of myself or just embarrass myself a bit. It’s a toss-up.

It feels strange to travel without Professor. I love our adventures. He is surprisingly easy to travel with and has a fearless nature. I feel a bit guilty leaving him for the weekend but he will have a ton of fun with my parents. Besides, I consider this my test run. Learning to manage this on my own is the beginning of vacations and adventures with him down the road.

Of course, I forgot to run to the bathroom before I got on my flight. Murphy’s law  - When you have a window seat, you will have to pee. I didn’t eat lunch so of course I accepted the pretzels I was offered which then required I also have water but it is impossible to eat pretzels without something to drink. I sipped the water so as not to explode my bladder until turbulence hit. If you know anything about me, and you must since you’ve read this far, you’ll know that I am a walking accident waiting to happen. I watched as the water sloshed in my cup with each pocket of air we hit. My choices were immediately apparent. I could either watch my water inevitably spill on me and to the full effect of embarrassment, likely the person sitting next to me OR I could punish my bladder further and hope to God that I can hold it to Toronto. I’ve now made a bad situation even worse and my bladder will seek revenge (hopefully when I’m old and don’t give a damn that I’ve pissed myself).

On a giggle-worthy note I only just now realized that my calendar reminder that pops up on my phone at 5pm every day reminding me to not be a lazy student is abbreviated. So instead of “Read Assignments” my phone kindly reminds me, every day at 5pm to “READ ASS”. Thanks, phone.

I’d like to add that I consider it barbaric that there is no Wifi on my flight. Get with it, Air Canada. Mama needs to get her fix. I mean I’ve resorted to offline blogging to get by. There are better methods to put off the reading on Islamic history I’m supposed to be doing and I’m absolutely disappointed at Air Canada but not better supporting my internet addiction. 

My life is a little different from the usual

Today:

Professor excitedly put together water molecules with his new model kit.

I discussed the progression and perceived passage of time in relation to technology, wars and generations referencing personal genealogy, and two of my favorite doctors - Suess and "Who".

I read an assigned article for a presentation due next week. I enjoyed the hell out of it.

Professor asked to be taught math with negative numbers.

I took a nap, which is not unusual for most people but something I usually only do when I'm very sick.

Normal is boring.

The Happiness Project - Part 2

The day after my last post I started my day with the will and determination to make my dreams came true. Nothing could harsh my buzz as it were. That was until the first true challenge to the Happiness Project took me down a peg or five. I discovered I don't meet the requirements for my top pick school. All of the dreams I had built around it came crashing down around me. True to my nature, I cried. I yelled. I was angry, at myself, at how fucking hard everything always seems to be. It isn't easy to give up a dream or even delay it for a more practical route. I did the whole self-pity bullshit for the day. OK and a little the next day too...BUT the point is, the goal of the Happiness Project is to not just make myself happy through action but to learn how to be happy while I wait for the results. Patience is not a virtue that comes to me naturally.

So I've reevaluated. I'm going to go the path of least resistance - however boring it may be. I'm going to attend a nearby college which will give me the Bachelor's in History I want and also allow me to complete my French minor, something I need if I want to pursue a Master's in History -which I do.

In addition to enrolling in school, I have decided to love my space. This isn't like the decluttering I mentioned previously. This is about taking a room that I despise - I mean really fucking resent - and turning it into my little piece of the world. What that really comes down to is spending a lot of time on Pinterest. I haven't picked out anything final but I'm pretty sure it is going to involve lots of Doctor Who inspired artwork. I'm a huge nerd, what can I say.

I've also treated myself to a new desktop computer. I haven't had my own computer for years so this is a real treat for myself. The intention is that my own computer will enable me to focus better on school work. It also functions as motivation. I have to earn this computer. This isn't a gift, this is a reward for things yet to come. Side note: When the hell did they start putting 2 terabyte hard drives in the average computer?!

Now, I just have to get my dad to install my closet. My clothes are currently EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE!

The Happiness Project: Because Being Sad is Bullshit - Part One

I've been floating along the river of life with a hole in the bottom of my boat. It isn't that I didn't know it was there. I just couldn't find the time or energy to care, let alone fix it. So I'd take a bucket to it every once in a while, cursing life and telling the universe it can go fuck itself as I scooped out just enough to stay afloat. Eventually you just let the water level rise because what's the point, it'll just refill anyway.

So I'm slowly sinking. My boat is filled with all of the things I haven't dealt with and I'm about to drown. Not literally of course. This is a metaphorical drowning. Just as I feel like I'm headed towards the intersection of "Woe-is-me" and "Pittyville", I have an epiphany. Being sad is BULLSHIT! I don't have to be sad! I can do something about this! I know how to fucking swim!

I've decided to build a new boat, one that doesn't have a hole this time, maybe even with a jacuzzi or a ferris wheel. The point is, I'm not going to just let life happen. I've decided to start my own happiness project because dammit, I deserve it.

The Happiness Project is a multifaceted effort. The first part is about cutting the crap. This means a few things, like decluttering my room. Decluttering my room is much more difficult than it sounds because I share my space with Professor. I've had to make decisions on whether to keep the Batman or the T-rex. These are hard decisions people! I probably would have gotten more done if I didn't have to stop every 20 minutes to deal with a slight panic attack over how overwhelming this whole thing really is. After all, hitting the reset on your life isn't a small thing. Cutting the crap also means no more excuses, no more negative thought patterns. If being sad is bullshit, then continually making myself sad is the bull who produces said shit.

The second part of The Happiness Project is creating new habits. Did you know it only takes 20 minutes to do the dishes and put a load of laundry in the washing machine?! My lazy ass had no fucking clue. So now I have a reminder set every day to actually get up and be useful for 20 minutes. Gotta love those high expectations.

The other new habit I'm working on is being more put together with the way I dress. Mind you, you'll very rarely see me looking like a slob. It is one of my endearing psychotic tendencies that I must be presentable at all times. However, if I want to feel collected and polished I need to actually do more than brush my hair and put on make-up. For girls this usually means *accessories!*. I love accessories but I'm so damn disorganized that by the time I have the basics done in the morning - like deodorant and shoes - it is time for me to be out the door. It may seem silly but knowing that my shoes match my outfit and that I took the extra ten minutes to put on jewelry - Clasps are hard. Don't judge me.- really makes a different in how I feel and function throughout the day.

The final phase I'll discuss in my next post. Until then enjoy this clip from one of my favorite musicals "Starship Ranger" by Starkid Productions. The song seemed fitting.

Ice Cream Man Turf Battle

I heard this story on the radio this morning and I couldn't resist sharing it for Funny Friday. Two ice cream men have a turf war and amazing puns ensue.

The Real Disaster Wednesday

The real disaster Wednesday began in the quiet of early morning. It began like so many natural disasters do, with an eruption. I will spare you the details but I will say this; You know you truly love your child when you run towards the spewing and sputtering rather than away from it. After a shower Professor seemed fine but tired. I sent him off to bed where he played video games and lounged for a few hours.

Around noon he came to me and said the most beautiful phrase I have ever heard him utter, "Mom, I'm tired." I asked him if he wanted to take a nap and when he replied "Yes." the clouds parted and the angelic Hallelujah chorus rang out. It was a Disaster Wednesday miracle.

He slept and seemed better when he woke up. I gave him toast late in the evening after he complained of being hungry. I should have known better. Professor has a sensitive stomach. Once the eruptions begin you need to wait 24 hours before it is safe to return to our usual routine. That isn't to say he doesn't eat but I know that eating is a dangerous venture. However, ten hours had passed since the last incident so I felt a false sense of security. The second piece of toast should have had my brain screaming **DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!** but alas, it did not.

He went to bed and when I checked him my motherly instinct was to cuddle the poor kid. My instincts could not have been more wrong. A gentle rocking was all it took to set him off again. I bathed him and changed my blankets decided I should probably turn in early myself since this was likely to continue. I was just starting to relax with Professor snuggled up beside me when I heard him cough and then gag a little. I asked him if he was going to throw up. He said no and the moment I was relaxed again he proceeded to prove himself wrong. Not only was he wrong but he made sure it landed both on the bed and between the bed and the wall. So again, I cleaned him up and changed the sheets. And that was the end of Disaster Wednesday, thankfully.

During the second half of this venture I also learned that my Dad, a regular victim of Murphy and his twice damned law, had been suffering through a Disaster Wednesday of his own. Having picked up his utility trailer from a family member, he was driving down the road when the entire wheel just fell off. He thinks someone may have purposefully loosened the bolts. Not only was the trailer damaged but it also took four hours for the right tow truck to show up. First, they sent a regular tow truck but a whole new company had to be contacted since a flatbed was necessary.

All in all, it was a typical Disaster Wednesday. What can go wrong will.

Disaster Wednesday: The Hair Disaster

Every girl has had a bad hair day at some point. I've been having a bad hair year. You see, I grew up with straight hair. It was never great but it was predictable. I knew how much conditioner to use and what hair cut  looked best. Over the past year my hair has betrayed me. My trust was broken when I awoke one morning to find that my straight, boring hair was wavy. Not only has my hair become wavy but it has become progressively more wavy over the past few months.

At first I was overjoyed. I had always been envious of those curly haired folk with their lustrous locks. But my happiness quickly soured. I had, and still have, no idea how to take care of my new mane. I've done the research and it is dizzying. I used to use whatever cheap shampoo smelled nice and conditioned every other day (at most). Now I must attempt to be sulfate and silicone free while learning exactly how much conditioner I need for my suddenly dry and frizzy hair. I've learned about co-washing (washing only the scalp with shampoo and the rest with conditioner). I've also learned I shouldn't brush my hair, a habit which is incredibly difficult to break.

After all of this research one would think that I had found the solution to taming my now wavy/curly hair but that would be wrong, very very wrong. I still have no idea how to style my hair and every day is a crapshoot  ending in a combination of curly/wavy/straight hair.

A Little Continuity

So, like the rest of my life, this blog has become an chaotic mess lacking theme and continuity. If I have any chance of continuing it then I must fix this immediately. So, I'm going to improve my predictability.

• Nerdy Mondays - Because Mondays are hard enough as is and a bit of fangirling always brightens my day.

• Disaster Wednesdays - I've probably had at least one soul-crushing disaster by the middle of the week.

• Funny Fridays - I love alliteration, 'nuff said. **Warning** Will probably contain cat pictures and the like...

Today is Tuesday. I fangirled in private this week. No, not that! Get your mind out of the gutter! I've simply irritated my parents by continually insisting that they need to watch last week's "Doctor Who". They haven't complied and I am very disappointed in them. I've suffered no disasters yet but fear not, it is a rainy day and I have a puppy and a child who doesn't listen, a disaster is forthcoming.

Packing is a Journey

I've begun the arduous task of packing for Disney. The most difficult part of this is that I typically don't own or wear summer clothes. I don't wear T-shirts and I can never seem to find shoes that I think look right with shorts. But, when you're going to be in 80 degree weather for seven days straight you might want to wear appropriate clothing, which is why I've spent the past two days shopping. I'm fairly sure I've tried on at least 500,000 pairs of shorts (OK more like 100 but still, that is a lot of shorts!) I have shirts, shorts and underwear crossed off the packing list. Now I just have to make sure I don't forget anything, like shoes. The only plus side to packing two bags is that I have can pack two people's worth of liquids even though, like most six year old boys, Professor doesn't need to carry any.

I've been packing for three days now and I'm still not done. The good thing is I've been forced to organize my clothes and clean my room. It is a project that will extend far past my vacation but I've made enough progress to feel like my spring break has been a success. There is nothing like going back to work after a week off and realizing you've accomplished nothing.

I'm a little antsy about the flight with Professor. I'm sure it will be fine but our last flight together was a complete nightmare that I would rather not relive. When Professor was 15 months old I flew from Maryland to California alone with Professor in my lap. I've never experienced such anxiety. He cried for 2 hours of the flight, couldn't sit still, had to have his diaper changed multiple times and was just all around "That baby" on the flight. I may have PTSD from that flight. I'm hoping at six (and properly medicated for his ADHD) that he will be able to handle the two hour flight and navigating the airport without an issue, but I'm not counting on it.

Dammit Disney (Updated!)

I never thought I would say this but Disney, you've let me down. I scheduled my vacation and flights a few months ago. It turns out, they made a mistake or I did. Someone screwed up big time. My flight, which I thought was for 9:15 AM is actually for 9:15 PM which means I won't be arriving in Orlando until 11:26 at night negating an entire day I thought I would be spending soaking up some Disney magic.

I'm beyond upset that the lady I spoke with when making the flight reservation never said "Are you sure you want to arrive at 11:30 at night when you've paid for the hotel for that night? Don't you want to enjoy a full day?" I know good customer service and good customer service means making the customer happy, not just now but in the long term. I'm so stressed and heartbroken that my dream vacation with Professor has now turned into a financial nightmare.

They can change my flight but I have to pay a $75 fee and the cost difference putting my round trip flight costs over $1,400 which doesn't make sense because I can schedule the same one right now for $1,000. I'm just so mad at myself and at the person who took my reservation. I know, I should have checked my flight information weeks ago, then this wouldn't have been such an issue. BUT the fact of the matter is, the person who took my reservation screwed up BIG TIME. I don't know if I will ever book through Disney again and if I do, it will be online. I'm not leaving room for human error (beyond my own).

I spoke with a Guest Services Supervisor and she is going to attempt to find a solution. Hopefully, it will be better than paying $1000 for a flight I thought I had already paid for.

UPDATE!

Disney called me back and they fixed everything! They admitted that it was an error on their part which made me feel better. I thought I'd been an idiot but for once it was out of my hands, although I do wish I had caught it sooner. They changed my flight to a morning flight so I will be able to get there even earlier than I thought, which is awesome! The most important thing was they did it for free. I'm just so glad that now I can sit back an enjoy my vacation. Although, I will be checking my flight information over and over again until I'm on that plane.

I'm Going To DISNEY WORLD!!

I used my tax refund this year to plan the first real family vacation just me and Professor. A more financially responsible person would have saved the money for a rainy day but if I've learned one thing about parenthood from the ladies I work with, whose children are all grown, it is this: They're only young once.

Professor grows right before my eyes, sometimes it seems overnight. He just turned 6. He still believes in Santa and the Easter bunny but his keen scientist's eye will likely see through the magic soon. This is the perfect time for him to forge a love of magic and Disney, two things that I hold dear. 

I've planned a week long stay on Disney property. We have a character breakfast and reservations for some unique meals. I'm a researcher and a planner. The idea of taking Professor into a crowded, busy theme park alone and with no game plan is enough to give me a panic attack. I'm still working on my list of rides for each park and I have to review the maps to be familiar with it all. Luckily I have an iPhone and I can save any vital information to it for while we are in the parks.

Packing can be overwhelming for me since I tend to be forgetful so I've begun early instead of waiting until right before we leave. I have checklists from several different planning sites so hopefully I will have all of my bases covered. I know that no matter how well I plan I am going to forget something vital but I'm used to it. I don't call this blog "Dammit Murphy" for nothing. 

And so the packing and planning continues...

Gracie

                                        This is Gracie. She is a 10 week old Golden Retriever.

After much discussion we decided on a Golden for their reputation as service dogs. We are hoping Gracie will help Professor develop some confidence and help him learn to keep his emotions under control. She is the most placid puppy I've ever encountered. Although she loves to play and run around, she is equally happy laying with Professor while he watches TV.

I've had a wide assortment of pets, and a even a fairly wide assortment of dogs but I've never owned a Golden before. She suits Professor and I really well even if she has added another layer of chaos to the house. She doesn't smell too great right now in spite of a having been bathed. The breeder was an Amish family and the farm life is a scent that tends to cling.

It was an interesting experience, standing in the basement of an Amish house with the breeder's wife and their six (adorable!) children. It is a nice reminder that the simple life is still out there being lived by honest people. I have a tendency to worry over the smallest things so a bit of perspective always does me good.

Puppy Names

I'm working on a list of dog names should we get the puppy I've applied for. The challenges include finding an appropriate geeky name for my geeky kid but one that he can pronounce. I also have a penchant for shortening names so it has to be one that can be comfortably shortened.

To far I've come up with the following list.

Belle/Bella
Nova
Tesla - Tess for short
Astrid - Doctor Who
Inara -Firefly
Kaylee - Firefly
Regan - Firefly
Bailey
Bridget
Keira - Black in Irish
Molly
Zoe
Emma
Solar
Doughnut -Kevin's idea
Kirby - also Kevin's idea
Luna
Sagan - As in Carl Sagan
Maddy - Short for Madigan

Puppy Search 2013!

Professor is the sort of kid who needs a dog. He has endless energy and as an only child no one to play with.  He has loved dogs since the day he was born but has never really had one of his own. He has also been incredibly lonely. When you have ADHD and other behavioral issues the kids in school don't exactly line up to be your friend. Having grown up with a dog I know what it can mean to have one there when you're sad or lonely.

So, after much discussion with my parents, we decided that a boy needs a dog. We've had dogs my entire life so choosing the right breed was something we discussed at great length. Our oldest dog, Casey, is reaching the end of her life. She is happy but you can see it when you look at her. She is tired. We are cherishing the time we have left but we know it is coming soon. Remembering her puppy days does not always bring back the best of memories. She is a Lab/Husky mix, a combination of endless energy and a desire to chew pretty much describes the first 3 years of her life. She is calm now but we weren't looking for another lab.

My sister's dog Moo, a Japanese Chin/ Pekingese mix, is an idiot. She is sweet and wouldn't hurt a fly but she is just not a smart animal. Small dogs bark, A LOT which I can't stand. Professor also needs something a bit more sturdy.

So a medium sized dog that was also smart became the criteria.

My dad is an experienced dog trainer. The pit bull we had growing up out preformed military service dogs on the obedience obstacle course. Although we would love to own another pit bull, they are a stubborn breed that needs a firm hand. Not really the best fit for an ADHD six year old. Eagerness to please soon became an apparent factor so we decided on a "working dog".

That puts me where I am at now, scouring the internet for a border collie, a Australian shepherd, a cattle dog or any variation thereof. It is a much more difficult search than it sounds. It seems herding breed puppies are really hard to find!

Luckily Petfinder.com has a "Pin it" button and I've created a board on Pinterest.

Not a Mommy Blog

OK, so the title is a lie, this post is a mommy blog but I swear, I'll keep it to a minimum elsewhere. Unless, Professor does something spectacularly cute, or smart or generally awesome (which is likely because he is cute, smart and generally awesome). Anyway, to the point. I'm no Susie Homemaker (Although I did once play a character named Suzie, a gold digging, gambling addict with a drinking problem and a criminal record, in an RPG called Fiasco) but I do some cool stuff with Professor on occasion.

A problem I've encountered with Professor is that commercial bubble liquid is incredibly weak and my hyper child has difficulty delicately blowing bubbles so I went back to something I learned in middle school science class. SUPER BUBBLES! In my science class we created bubbles you could stand inside, bubbles you could hold, bubbles strong enough to make it out of the wand of a six year old with a breath like a hurricane.
Here is how:

Ingredients:

• 4 tablespoons Dawn dish soap
• 2 tablespoons Glycerin (or White Karo Syrup) - I prefer Glycerin
• 1 cup Water

Simply mix the ingredients together gently. Letting it sit for a while may help a bit as well. 

Professor was actually able to blow bubbles rather than showering the ground in soap and saliva. He enjoyed it so much that he actually brought them into the living room the next morning and was blowing bubbles in his pajamas. 

The Dead Bird

I am admittedly a bit superstitious. I don't hide under the covers when I encounter a "bad omen" but I do hesitate. This morning I went to my car to leave and directly next to the drivers door was a dead bird. Professor yelled "EWW!" and I hurried him around to the other side to get in.

In and of itself, a dead bird is simply part of nature. Things die and sometimes they die in your yard. It is the placement of the dead bird that gave me an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know it isn't logical. If it were someone else I would have laughed them off but, as I've mentioned before, I am an emotional person and therefore the uneasiness has settled in. 

I'm not terrified but I won't be surprised when it comes and it always comes. 

A Day Out With Murphy

Today I certainly felt Murphy's law at play. It began at 2:30 this morning. Professor woke up crying that his ear hurt. He slept for two hours before waking up again, this time inconsolable. He somehow seemed at ease alone in the living room with cartoons on and was able to get a bit more sleep. I, on the other hand, was unable to get anymore sleep although not for lack of trying. Of course, when it was time to get up this morning Professor felt absolutely fine. I was and still am exhausted.

I somehow managed to get us both ready and out the door on time. The first two hours of work were uneventful for me. I spent the time shredding and watching episodes of a BBC called "Quite Interesting" (which I HIGHLY recommend) on my phone. Suddenly, the lights went out and the shredder stopped. The copier I was sitting next to was on and in working order. It seemed Murphy had a sense of humor today. Only some lights and some computers were out with no real rhyme or reason. Since I could no longer shred, my computer was off and I had absolutely nothing else to do I was instructed to sit at my desk and play on my phone for the remainder of the day since I was the only one available to "hold down the fort". There are certainly worse ways to spend an hour.

I was then running late for Professor's doctor's appointment when Murphy stepped in yet again. I managed to attempt to pick Professor up between Music and the trip back to the classroom meaning it took twice as long as it should have to located him and send him to the office. I think I hit every light on the way to the doctor.  But, in the end we were only two minutes late. The bad news, Professor has an ear infection. The good news, Murphy can suck it. In spite of some serious kerfuffles, I managed to have a decent day.

In other news, Excedrin Migraine is fucking magical. I feel like I've finally broken through the fog. Even tired and feeling a bit run down I feel more like myself than I have in quite a while. It is amazing. Hopefully, soon I will actually be a bit entertaining rather than my usual rambly and long winded.

Three Years

3 years. Three years ago today my friends and I stood around together trying to understand what had happened. We cried and told stories. People held me and even during the darkest day of my life I felt so loved. That evening is forever seared into my mind and my heart. The ones who comforted me will forever hold a special place for me.

Suicide is a tragedy like no other. Someone you love has ended their life for reasons you cannot possibly understand. I understood better than most and that is why, three years later, I can say I'm at peace with what happened. I know the how and the why of what my ex-husband did and I consider myself lucky. By understanding his actions I can help others. I've always been very open about his suicide.

People always treat it as a taboo subject but to me that is why it continues to be such a prevalent issue. By talking about suicide and mental illness we humanize it. By creating an environment where suicide isn't stigmatized those who may need help and we will be more able to help those in need.

I have moments where I think I smell his cologne. When I found out "World War Z", a book he read and loved, was being made into a movie it hurt that I couldn't tell him. There are moments when I'm taken back but they are fleeting and for that I am grateful. If there is anything I can take away from his death, it is to never let an opportunity pass you by. If you love someone, tell them. Take that vacation, spend the money, the experience is worth it. Live life and never lose hope that things will get better.

I feel like I should have more to say about all of this but truthfully, I have moved on. I visit his grave once a year. I answer any questions Professor may have but that isn't very often. I've lived through the suicide of a loved one and come out the other side a stronger person.

5 Steps to Curing Brain Fog

I promised myself when I decide to start blogging that I would do at least one entry a day. The problem is I've been suffering from terrible brain fog for the past few weeks. In my last post I mentioned what a struggle it has been to write but some days are worse than others. The stress of figuring out my financial and college situation has exacerbated the issue today. I'm fairly sure that my very poor diet hasn't helped either.

I'm hoping a few changes will improve my concentration.

1) Diet - I have a tendency to skip meals, especially when stressed. Eating high calorie, healthy meals is the easiest change I can make.

2) Sleep - I've slept better this past week than in previous weeks although it was only a week ago that I went with only an hour of sleep one night. I've minimized my time watching TV in bed. The biggest change was not getting on my phone when I did happen to wake up. While checking Reddit and email certainly distracts me from the anxiety that woke me up the light and stimuli kept me up for hours at a time. My mind is actually starting to get some proper rest and my anxiety isn't creeping in as much as it usually does.

3) B-12 - Taking a B-12 supplement in addition to my usual multi-vitamin has helped in the past with alertness and concentration.

4) Sunshine - In college, I did a research paper on Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and one of the things I learned was how important sunlight is to our bodies. Early morning sunlight can help with depression and regulates body cycles. I'm certainly not going for a walk at 6AM but I will be stepping out onto the front step every morning and basking in a bit of spring.

5) Routine - By forcing myself to write at this moment I'm reinforcing the idea that I can and will continue to write. I'm exercising my brain and stretching my creativity. I'm sure quite a few of my entries will be sub-par and far from useful or interesting. However, as the adages goes, practice makes perfect.

I'm off to ensure #2 on the list is taken care of and maybe tomorrow I will have something far more interesting to say.

College Decision Stress

It certainly doesn't surprise me that Murphy would make this blog more difficult for me. It never fails that when I sit down I am suddenly super distracted or tired or just very unfunny. I'm witty, creative and hilarious when I'm thinking about blog stuff in the car, at the office, when I'm falling asleep but rarely when I sit down and attempt to entertain the masses (ok, the tens of people) who have somehow found my blog.

The thing that has become the biggest distraction and stress in my life is the college decision factor. There are so many things to take into account. There are the logical factors tuition, program, cost of living, etc. Then there are the more emotional issues. How much support do I really need or want with Professor's issues? What sort of experience do I want out of the next two or three years of my life?

I'm an emotional being to my core. I was recently told that it must be my most endearing quality and I hope that's true. It is also my biggest personal challenge. Not every decision can be made on instinct. Things like finances and parenthood force you to step outside of who you are and what you want. If I were not a parent my choice would be easy. I would take the risk. I would runaway and live a new and exciting life in a foreign city. I would speak bad French and maybe finally learn to enjoy wine.

The trouble is, I am a parent. I love my son and only want the best for him. That means putting the reins on my instincts and being logical for a moment. Luckily, in addition to being an emotional person I am also a researcher. I love information. So, I collect data. I make lists, award points and hope that it matches up with what my heart wants. All too often they don't match up and then I take that dream, fold it up and put it on a mental shelf, a pile of could-have-beens.

I'm not the first or last parent who has given up something for their child. The difference is I'm tired of regret and missed opportunities. Professor enriches my life, pulls me through the hard days I would rather spend in bed and continually short changing myself isn't going to make either one of us happy. I don't want him to grow up watching me endure. The two of us have endured enough. I want him to grow up watching me succeed. I want him to see me take the rotten hand life has dealt me and turn it into an opportunity. I don't really know what that means at this point but I do know that I'm going to make a change.

The No-Snow Day

Our snow day was a bust, as usual. Professor has been dying to build a snowman and this was his last chance. Murphy had other ideas for our day. In spite of their continued predictions for snow, the local weather watch on Facebook conceded defeat with this picture:

Credit to the Harford County Weather Watch on Facebook

Not only was the weather a bust but my plans were a bust for the most part as well. While my list from my previous post was acknowledged as impractical, it turned out to be useless as well. The problem is, you see, that when you have children (or child, in my case) making plans is the worst thing you can do. The moment they sense you want things to go a certain way they are on high alert. This increased aggro is a risky business. They could become whiny, rebellious, or even suddenly violently ill. This is through no fault of their own. It is their nature. For Professor, this is even more true. His ADHD makes him highly unpredictable on a good day.

The weather made everyone in my house feel a little off kilter. Professor had a headache. It made him grumpy and weepy. The first time he cried over a difficult puzzle in Harry Potter Years 1-4 I sent him to bed to calm down. The second time he cried (after repeatedly swearing he was calm and collected) my mom brought out his tent. His bear tent filled with stuffed animals and pillows somehow sheltered him from his frustration. Autism Spectrum Disorder can have interesting affects on one's senses. Escaping from the world, even in the middle of a busy living room calmed him down quite a bit. He watched Minecraft tutorials on YouTube, a favorite past-time of his. I was finally able to defeat Aragog, where he had been stuck, while Professor was in the shower. The puzzle was awful. The game tells you how to defeat Aragog, a big spider, with a slightly smaller spider but it still felt like luck when I managed to somehow toss the smaller big spider into Aragog's face. No wonder Professor couldn't figure it out.

We survived the No-Snow day, but barely.

The Impractical Parent's Guide to Snow days

In Maryland, where I live, we often have what is typically referred to as a "Snow day". In reality it is far more likely that these days will be wet, rainy days that is a disappointment to adults and children alike. The moment one of these potential weather disasters is announced Marylanders lose their minds. The ritual of hoarding as much milk, bread and toilet paper as one can find is the first priority of the weather crazed residents. Other items which immediately sell out include sholves, sleds, snowblowers and gasoline as no one has planned ahead for what is a known seasonal event. We have a very similar ritual which takes place during hurricane season.

 The second phase of panic includes obsessively checking the weather and discussing our impending doom at great length. Children wear their pajamas inside out and backwards and the elderly complain about the damp and the dangers of slipping on the ice.

The third phase is what I like to refer to as the "preemptive strike". The hours or even the day before the storm is supposed to hit schools are closed. The plows are stationed along the roads like hungry beasts ready to gobble up the first snowflake before it can even touch the ground. The most notable characteristic of this phase is loss of driving skills. Was that a rain drop?! **BRAKE!** Was that a snowflake?! Better drive 30 miles under the speed limit (In the fast lane, of course.) At this point true panic has set in. Our impending doom is looming. We will be cold, bored and miserable soon and we have accepted it.

The snow has not arrived yet so my son and I are currently enjoying Phase 3, a day spent trapped in the house together with nothing to do. Now, the Professor is not a typical kid. He doesn't enjoy coloring or silly craft projects. Pinterest has tons of great ideas for the Suzie Homemakers of the world but I am not one of them. (Although, admittedly that hasn't stopped me from pinning the hell out of stuff.) So here is my list of activities we will be enjoying today:

Video Games - He's quiet, ok only sort of. He really enjoys cheering himself on but for the most part he is entertained and out of my hair for a few minutes. As a gamer myself, snow days exist for beating high scores and finally killing that boss. I plan on spending some time playing video games myself today since I was recently gifted a copy of "Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning".

Board Games - My kid is a skilled strategist so we will indulge in some Catan Jr. and possibly a game of checkers. It is a bit of a brain exercise and only requires up to 45 minutes of my time to have a solid bonding experience.

Junk Food - While I encourage a healthy diet as any responsible parent would, there is nothing like bonding over a bowl of popcorn and peanut M&M's while cuddled up on the couch together on a cold day.

Dance Party - So I've allowed him to stuff himself full of candy like any good mother and he is bouncing off the walls (more than usual). Fortunately, the Professor has some killer dance moves. I can pop on some techno and he will dance himself tired in 10 minutes flat.

Play Outside - Once phase 4 truly starts you can bet I will have him bundled up and out the door before he even realizes it is snowing. He won't stay out there long before he is cold, wet and bored but when he comes in he will be a subdued, happy child.

Science Documentary - For my tired science geek. I refer to my son as Professor for a reason. He loves science. He recently won the "Superb Scientist" Award in school. The Science Channel has a series of documentaries called "How the Universe Works". Professor loves these shows and learns quite a bit from them so they will round out snow day.

The Snow hasn't started yet and probably won't for a few more hours but the Professor and I will enjoy our snow day all the same.

Onwards and Upwards

I've always been terrible at letting go, especially in relationships. I've finally come to a point where, rather than strangling the relationship and letting things end in animosity, I am going to truly let go. It doesn't matter how much you love someone and how much you both want to be friends, sometimes real space is needed to move forward. I'm lucky to have met my most recent ex. He is a truly amazing guy. It hurts terribly that things didn't work out but nothing I do will change that. Things that are meant to be will be and if they don't turn out they way I want then, I just have to accept it and move forward.

I'm still looking at colleges. Concordia University in Montreal is on my list but is looking less reasonable than other, less attractive options. The limiting factors of having a special needs child when considering a move has compounded the stress and the difficulty. I have, however, come up with a strategy. I have a list of factors that I want to take into account, each school gets awarded points (out of 10) in each category. Removing the emotional side of the decision is the only way I can assure myself that I am making the right decision. My spur of the moment decision would be Montreal. I would go in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, as a parent, I cannot simply pick up and move to another country, doubly so with a special needs child.

Here is my list of deciding factors:

Tuition - Obvious. Hopefully under 20,000 a year.
Cost of Living (after tuition) - Under 30,000 a year preferably
Financial Aid - Amount awarded, especially important since grants are not available in Canada
Cultural Experience - Who wants to go someplace boring?
Program Interest - A no-duh.
Support System - I can't move if I don't know anyone there in case there is an emergency with my son.
Benefits for my son "The Professor" - Types of Schools, Learning opportunities, etc.
Bullshit Involved - Visa's, transfers, acceptance rate, etc.
Post College Benefit - How much will this help my career?
Murdered by Parents - How much arguing with there be with my parents? Montreal loses big points here.
Misc  - Self explanatory.

Once I am closer to making a decision and further away from the unstable emotional state that I am currently in, I will post my colleges and the points they were awarded. I shouldn't really be allowed to make lists. I always seem to make them an excuse to make silly comments (see "Murdered by Parents" on deciding factors list).

Back to School...but where?

I have recently been thinking about my need to go back to school to complete my degree. I have not really considered where I would like to attend school but I have had an interesting suggestion, Montreal. My best friend has attended college in Montreal for a few years now and she offered up the suggestion after I made an off hand comment about moving there (several people I know have moved there recently). It caught me by surprised when she suggested that I take my son and relocate to Canada. Nikki has always been my voice of reason and voices of reason usually don't suggest you pick up and move to another country. They especially don't when you told them earlier in that same conversation that your ex is moving to that same city.

I'm not one to ignore big, glaring signs and this was a sign to, at the very least, consider it. The biggest thing holding me back in this venture is finances. American financial aid will only cover so much. Even if I decide to stay in the lower 48, the far more practical decision, I will still need to take at least year off from work to complete the last leg of my degree. Unfortunately, this is not only an enormous expense but one that I would need the semester's worth of up front.

Of course, saving the money I'm currently making is the first step but will only cover a book or one credit of tuition. I simply don't have enough income. The next place to look is student loans, which I already have. The problem is there is a maximum amount on student loans. Besides, drowning in debt for a history degree is not the smartest course. Scholarships are on my to do list. I am hoping I can find some that I qualify for and they make a dent in my overall cost. It will have to wait until I have decided when and where this will all happen.

I haven't decided if Montreal is the place for me but it is on the list. It is a beautiful city I've been told, I speak conversation French and where better for a kid to gain a different world perspective and learn another language than another country. I'll be researching some other, more reasonable choices as well. I'll just have to see how this plays out.